Jan
28.
2019

amelyrose_amely_rose_berlin_fahsion_tulle_tuell_kleid_zara_zarabag_fish_fish_portrait_mode_modeblogger_fashionblogger_lensflare_lens_flare_blue_bluedress_dress amelyrose_amely_rose_berlin_fahsion_tulle_tuell_kleid_zara_zarabag_fish_fish_portrait_mode_modeblogger_fashionblogger_lensflare_lens_flare_blue_bluedress_dress amelyrose_amely_rose_berlin_fahsion_tulle_tuell_kleid_zara_zarabag_fish_fish_portrait_mode_modeblogger_fashionblogger_lensflare_lens_flare_blue_bluedress_dressConfessions of an adult
Hey, I am Amely and I am afraid of the life as an adult.

Typing these few words gives me thrills and I wish I could finish this blogpost right now. But I feel the need to explain this statement.
Yet it already expresses all my fears and frustration.
And I can see you guys shaking your head in disbelief. Well at least I think you’ll do so. Because while growing up I’ve learned, that nobody explains you how “it” works, nevertheless everybody seems to know the rules.

But it feels like beeing back in the day spending your childhood on the trampoline. Everytime you fell it feels like all the other kids just jumped harder, so you couldn’t get back on your feet.
So much fun! Nope, not really!
And today I screw up my courage and maybe this reaches out to one grown up, who’s mentally on the bottom of the trampoline, trying hard to come up again.
Don’t try it! It won’t get better.
Amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_fashionblog_mode_modeblogger_bluedress_blue_zara_H&Mkleid_portrait_berlin_berlinfahsionweek_bfw Amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_fashionblog_mode_modeblogger_bluedress_blue_zara_H&Mkleid_portrait_berlin_berlinfahsionweek_bfw

Growing up is a constant interplay of: Trying hard not to laugh during yoga class when someone farts and trying hard not to cry, when you realise that you don’t have enough money to buy your favorite chocolate.
Being an adult means, passing the mailbox with a gut feeling and coming back happy, because you didn’t get “unpleasant letter”.
And how come nobody is writing letters the “friendly”, oldschool ones.
In my world there are only 2 conditions. An emptry mailbox or a fury remind that I gotta bring back my borrowed books.

This period of time leads to a split personality. A “healthy”-me and the “fat”-me. The worst is, when “healthy”-me does the groceries, but “fat”-me needs a snack….tons of snacks.
In the same time it means, that you can’t longer moan because your mommy didn’t buy your favorite snacks. No, now you check the delivery services and try to find one that’s still open.
It’s the constant procrastination and try to not face specific topics and the truth that there is no longer “puppy license” for you. People start asking you why you’re not married, finished your studies yet, still don’t have a “real” job. When you trying to rent you start with the fear of spending the nights alone in the dark and end up with frustration, because you simply don’t get a flat. Poor b*tches aren’t trustworthy.
The first, unpleasant contact with insurances, the first, unpleasant time you realise that you are underinsured, the first, unpleasant fight through the insurance-jungle. Meanwhile I have a vast number of covers but I am sure, that I won’t have the right one for THAT SPECIFIC case.

Remember your friend from school? She’s married now, the other one is building her own house and the 3rd one climbs up the greasy pole. And you?
Well I still sit on my bathroom floor ask my self, how to sort my dirty laundry.
growing up means, catching the narrow timeframe to clean your fridge and paying your rent in time. I don’t have a 24/7 calender. My days divide in “post-” and “prae-“rent. And my shopping tours start with the question, if I can affort that bag or if I have to eat packet soups for the next days.
I feel like being not allowed to make mistakes, because everybody else is better…faster…richer…happier.
And that’s why I don’t allow myself mistakes.
amelyrose_amely_rose_fashionlook amelyrose_amely_rose_fashionlook

Jan
10.
2019

amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess_pferdekarusell_cgn_cologne_christmasmarket_koelnerdom_heinzelmaenchenmarkt amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess_pferdekarusell*This Blogpost contains advertisement.
I am sorry but I don’t like your present | I wish it was naughty, nice or at least trendy

Since I know, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, every single days stresses me out. Day by day christmas nears. And slowly but surely the mountain of unwelcome gifts grows. And with it grows my disappointment.
Christmas is over and it’s timeto smooth ruffled feelings. But not on this blog!
I want to broach something, something everybody wanted to get rid of:
“Sorry, but I don’t like your present.”
I wish I could add a “just take it back.” But that would be kind of rude.

I grew up and left my believe in Santa Claus behind and with it the people around me left their effort (in giving presents) behind. To put it in a nutshell, I was never disappointed (during christmas or by gifts) as a child.
No matter if I wrote a wish list or if I was nice all year.
I still got my gifts. Everytime.
And it’s not because I became a bitter person and therefor can’t be happy or excited. Because I want to be excited, really.
While tearing open the gift wrap I don’t dig up a lovely gift but disappointment. Frustration that was wrapped nicely in sparkling fancy paper.
I can’t believe I was this naughty.

The gift’s price was round about 5 Euro and you invested 2 minutes to think about it (or was it the other way around?) and you present it with the words “what can I buy and gift you something, when you have everything.”
Well, I do understand this but…to be honest, I don’t understand why I get this piece of sh*t. I don’t think that I have “everything” or that there is nothing that could excit me or make me happy.
And in the same time I think about my pronunciation. Ok, I do mumble quiet often, but I am quiet sure, that I gave you a few hints and ideas – and that I said it loud and clear. I know it’s really hard sometimes to get the right present for someone, sometimes you just don’t have the right idea or enough money or time…but there’s a difference between trying but jet not beeing able to – and if you just don’t care.
Meanwhile I try hard to smile.
within a few second I know at least 10 things that would be a better gift, 10 things I could be happy about, 10 things that would show that you do care.
And than I am frustrated. Frustrated I took the time and money to get you an original gift, to show you, that I love you and want you be happy.
“Next time I pay you back in kind”, I propitiate myself. But I won’t.
I just can’t!
I will take enough time and money to get you something special. But maybe….maybe I’ll be savage enough to say “thank you, but I already do have enough dross, keep yours!”
amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess_pferdekarusell_cgn_cologne_christmasmarketA christmas present is more than just it’s price, the idea and the gift wrap.
It’s the joy and excitment you feel while unwrapping it, while holding it, it’s the love and attention behind it.
And that’s what scares me the most. Getting a really bad gift year after year is not the pure disappointment.
And that’s why I practise my fake smile infront of the mirror. “Thanks for these socks, I always wanted to have such scratchy ones….wow what a lovely mug, I put it next to the 1984798237249 other ones.” Maybe I believe my own words when I just speak them out often enough.

Yet still. I get angry when I actually have to speak these fake expressions of gratitude. I actually say “thank you, that’s really kind”…but I mean “I’m sorry, but I don’t like your gift”.
I wish it was naughty, nice or at least trendy.
And that’s why I meanwhile have a huge mountain of unwelcome presents. And the mountain grows every year.
But still I am not one of those bitter person, who just gives it to someone else. So I don’t waste money on my own, but still get someonea gift.
But maybe I should do so?
And maybe someone will love this ugly mug with this unfunny joke wrotten on it. And still don’t have the guts. This is a closed loop and I will never get through it. I will never regift unwanted gifts, that’s why I get all of them.
And believe it, when I say “you shouldn’t have!”
These are probably the only honest words I say during that day. No, you really shouldn’t have gift me this.
amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess_pferdekarusell_cgn amely_rose_amelyrose_weihnachtsmarkt_christmas_fashion_fashionblog_weihnachten_winter_xmas_kirmess_pferdekarusell_cgn_cologne

Jan
04.
2019

stockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlookstockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlook_winteroutfitstockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlook_winteroutfit_overkneesYou’ve got fat! My life as a plus, plus, plus size Model

Right now, I am sitting sobbing on the floor. Still holding the craftin scissors. Thick stand of hair lying on the floor next to me. Well, at least I have this down pat. Hell yes, come to think about it, this was reallsy mature. No one, who’s tends to exalted actions would think about spliss and hair-care.
But still…why does this feels like that one time, when I was 5 years old and cut myself bangs? Just because Karin said, I look stupid without them. She wasn’t right. I look stupid with bangs and I am pretty sure, she knew that before I cut my hair.
But this isn’t the same situation. Definetly not, even though the weapon used in this commission of crime (the old, blunt crafting scissors) is the same.
And so I pull  myself together and tidy up this mess. “You look hun”, I nod to myself while I pass the mirror. “This longbob suits you perfectly, cute and kinda cheeky”.
No! It doesn’t suit me.
And even worse, I noticed, that I cut my hair oblique. And I just realised it in a Youtube video, that went viral. Ups. The only good things is, that I normaly don’t see my back that often, so I don’t have to see this bad haircut.
But it’s not this easy with all of my problem areas!

Because…I’ve got fat.
But at least I am in shape; round is a shape. (And let me tell you, this post is so much better in germany, because I used many, many good puns haha). Just insert some fat-jokes at my cost. Right now it’s ok. This post will turn judgmental in a few moments.

But it’s ok. At least they say, you should love yourself and the body you habe. True beautycomes from within but still I lie about my weight and make myself 2-3-4….27 kilo lighter.
Well, this is not a  post, to tell you about all the strange things I started doing since I gained some weight.
I felt like, i have to tell you how I fell. And yes, beeing fat really sucks and it affects my daily life. Just not the way I thought it will.
It’s not like boys don’t ask me for a date, or that I don’t want to meet my friends or go out. The reason I don’t go is not that “going” became really exhausting and challenging.
And don’t worry, just in case I do get lost on my way…just follow the crumbs like Hansel and gretel did. Keep in mind, that you won’t follow bread crumbs but the ingredients of a good, greasy kebab.

I don’t go out, because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin…and the fat that beneath it.
But sometimes you have to go. And I don’t mean the long, romantic walks during the night…to your fridge.
I mean, you really have to leave your house.
And I promise you, you will meet tons of people. People, that shouldn’t see you…looking like this!
stockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlook_winteroutfit_overknees_schnee And furthermore I want to do away with prejudices.
The reasson why women buy so many shoes (because they’ll fit your lifetime) is a lie. Or tell me, why I am holding the broken bits of my bott’s zipper.
Cute ankle boots aren’t the kind of boots you wear, when your ankle is covered with fat.
And don’t worry, this isn’t a “the lights in H&M’s chaning booths are so terrible”-post. We get it. These stories are amazing and you just sit in your booth crying before even putting the clothes on. It’s all your own fault, when you still go out shopping.
That’s why they’ve invented online shopping. Nobody hears you sobbing and crying at home. Plus you can tell your friends nearly put on those super cute and super skinny pants and it was a close!
You don’t have witnesses at home, that know the truth, that you couldn’t even pull those goddamn pants up to your knees!

But let’s be honest.
Beeing a woman is hard. You can be a skinny bitch OR you have boobs.
There is no in between, believe it.

And yes, I’ve got fat, and yes I feel really bad because of it.
But I don’t actually feel bad, because I don’t like my body or see it as a huge problem. It’s just the fear, that others do. That others think, I am less beautiful, just beucase I weight more.
Nowadays the counterpart of “beautiful” is not “ugly”, it’s “fat”.
And that’s how I came up with this blog title. A few days ago I saw a picture on a photographer’s facebookpage. It was a picture of a beautiful woman with a normal size. (Actually I dond’t care about her body or size).
And he wrote, that it was such an honor, to finally shoot a plus size model.
And don’t wory, this won’t turn into an acrid discusion, why there are “models” and “plus size models”. Just as if the first ones are normal and the others somehow aren’t.
The thing that bothered me was, that the woman was perfectly and skinny in my eyes (and definetly beautiful) and not plus size at all.
Yet people said such things as “even thick women CAN SOMETIMES look pretty” in the comments.
And let’s be honest, when that woman was a plus size model – well that makes me a plus, plus, plus size model.

And I have a good hint, how to loose weight.
I heared people don’t eat bread anymore. Now tell me, do I now lick nutella off of my hands or what?

 

Ps.:I took these pictures in Stockholm, Sweden a year ago. I loved it so much there and hope to show you some more snowy pictures soon.
stockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlook_winteroutfit_overknees_schnee_snow_amelyrose_amely_rose_christmas stockholm_schweden_sweden_amely_rose_amelyrose_fashion_winter_winterlook_winteroutfit_overknees_schnee_snow